Kudos to Alexander Schinis, our Facebook Caption Contest winner, for sharing this kernel of wisdom about the Manther mating dance:

“The most powerful tool in the aphrodisiacal arsenal of a manther is his mating dance, a maneuver that takes many decades to master. This manther is pictured partaking in a mating dance while secreting a lubricant from the temples, which is believed to demonstrate his virility.”

1. Consider yourself among an elite group of high-performance geisha warriors.

2. Train as if you were Seabiscuit on the eve of the Kentucky Derby.

3. Never show up empty handed. Instead, plan to arrive with an offering that is worthy of an Aztec God.

This handy Gift Guide will be your compass.

Offering #1: MUSK Oil

Don’t you dare even consider cologne, rookie. Cologne is to Musk Oil, like Bartles & James is to an oak-barrel-aged cabernet. It’s going to the prom in a rented Tuxedo versus revving the accelerator of an Aston-Martin wearing rare Ostrich driving slippers.

MUSK delivers an olfactory T.K.O. that resonates, literally, through the protons of female DNA. Pure musk oil has been used throughout the centuries as a tool of seduction. Anthony used to keep his musk oil in a gilded urn, guarded by Ottoman slaves. It only took one drop to seduce the powerful Queen Cleopatra.

Glide a drop of MUSK oil across your Manther’s hirsuit clavicles and prepare to get your Spanx blown off in a Hiroshima-level sexual mushroom cloud.

Offering #2: A Diplomat-brand Bodysuit

Why hassle with a shirt AND pants when your Manther can slip into a bodysuit by Diplomat? Not only is this bodysuit the epitome of Disco-Manther chic, it is endorsed by the famous tag-maker, Hurculon II. According to the manufacturer, when your Manther sees a Hurculon II tag on the gift you are giving him, he knows it’s the best bodysuit that money can buy. It takes a real man to make head-to-toe poly-lycra look elegant and mysterious. In other words, it takes a Manther.

Offering #3: A Jantzen Swim Set

Who is “Jantzen” you might ask? None other than the Norwegian mastermind behind the graphically printed matching swim-set, of course. On Valentine’s Day, a real Manther would never find himself rollicking in the company of a tanned, young sun Goddess without a perfectly coordinated wardrobe. The ambiguously ethnic, yet psychadelic graphic print on this swim-set feels as much at home on the rugged shores of Costa Rica as it does by the pool at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills.

Offering #4: Le “French Brief” by Eminence

Le “French Brief” speaks volumes for such a small piece of fabric. Or, as the advertisement says, “a few bare inches of smooth, supple, shape-showing maleness in soft Egyptian cotton. In colors that dare. In stores that care.”

Well stated, Eminence. You certainly have a firm grasp on the psychographic profile of your customer. While this gift may not be for every Manther, it will certainly appeal to those who have more of a European sensibility. Or perhaps a Manther who is planning an upcoming vacation in St. Barts – a little somethin’ somethin’ to wear under his breezy gauze caftan?

Offering #5: The “Inuit Special”

Lastly, for the Manther who has everything and lives in an arctic clime, let us suggest an unexpected, festive pairing: a Mahogany and Rosewood chess board and ice-block fireplace, both by Hermes. What do these two gifts have in common? They were both hand-carved by the supple fingers of docile Inuit craftswomen. Checkmate.

Among the various candles, furs and other romantic accoutrements that can be found in the typical Manther den is the Love Rug.  Available in Jaguar, Linx and Mink patterns, the Love Rug combines the visual appeal of an animal fur rug with the latest in floor level love-making technology.  In addition, the Love Rug is fire resistant against both close proximity to fireplaces and the flames of furious Manther passion.

Even the most virile Manther occasionally needs to enlist the help of a secret weapon in order to keep up with the spry little Energizer bunnies with whom he keeps company. The Manther’s standing in the game of love is like Jose Canseco’s at the pinnacle of his baseball career.  And like Jose, it takes a little somethin’ somethin’ to keep swinging the bat harder than everybody else.

In fact, the use of herbal enhancement techniques dates back to 400 A.D., when an unknown Chinese farmer discovered a powerful and mysterious herb called “Yin Yang Huo”.  Not to be confused with the ebonics term “Ying Yang Ho” used to refer to women of Asian ethnicity.  Story has it that he noticed his goats doing some serious boning after chewing on the plant. 

He turned to one of his Mongolian slave boys and joked “I like have what Goat is having yes!”  Shortly after, he realized, maybe he could have some of what those goats were having.  He ran into his Yurt and quickly brewed a tea from the herb and passed it around to all the goat farmers.  Soon after, the relationship between this bunch of frenzied Chinese hornballs, stranded in the mountains far from any women, and their goats, changed forever.  And henceforth, the herb more commonly known as the “Horny Goat Weed”, was revered as one of the most valued tonics of Chinese herbalism.

“Under the influence of the licentious goat plant, Emperor Xiang unscrupulously frolicks with an androgynous chamber-maid.”

Well, Manther, there’s no need to journey to the misty jungles of central Asia in search of enhancement. Look no further than at your own distant feline relative, the Roaring Tiger. According to its extremely credible developer, pharmacist Dana Nelson, Roaring Tiger delivers “noticeable results” on first use.  By noticeable, he means your manhood will shred your underwear to ribbons as it flies into an uncontrollable  incredible hulk-style frenzy.  If this enthusiastic testimony from Roaring Tiger’s Dr. Ghaly doesn’t convince you that this is a panacea for all of your sexual inadequacies, we don’t know what will:

As you can see, anything but insane Roaring Tiger-fueled sexual orgies hold little interest for Dr. Ghaly anymore.  No time to pop a pill? Try one of their efficacious “Pre-Performance Wipes”. (Just hold your breath and pray that your date is too inebriated to notice you discretely wiping your manhood).

“Lets face it…It’s human nature for people to want younger more attractive partners.”  So it says in Seeking Arrangement‘s ‘What’s An Arrangement’ section.  Correction: It’s Manther nature to want younger more attractive partners.  But if we overlook this small semantic error we find a website that is perhaps the world’s greatest Manther Den.  A virtual hunting ground for Manthers to track and pursue young vixens adrift in cyberspace.  Seeking Arrangement bills itself as ‘the elite Sugar Daddy dating site” and is gloriously devoid of the pitiable morality that smothers the proud Manther nature inside lesser men.  Just consider this intrepid declaration featured on the site: “While some societies may have laid down a set of unsaid rules about extra-marital affairs and pre-marital sex, who is to say what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?”

Well said SeekingArrangement.com, well said.  You took the words right out of our slobbering maws.

The Manther’s primeval hunting instinct is commonly misunderstood. Many make the reckless and cursory judgment that the Manther is simply a dirty old man. Such a shallow understanding of the Manther is an unfair impediment to properly understanding the great creature. What compels the Manther in his ceaseless prowl to capture and possess young women is something ultimately pure and noble. A fire that burns more brightly in him than in lesser men. A flame of enduring passion for the ideal female form. A futile drive to possess female beauty at its fleeting zenith. To behold the rarest orchid in full bloom.To capture the fragile firefly at its most brilliant. To ogle at boobs.

Nothing captures the spirit of this noble pursuit better than this musical work of inspired genius by Robert Lund “99 Words For Boobs”:

It’s sadly not featured, but our personal favorite is “Sweater Puppets”

Backed into a corner by the fabricated Hallmark holiday known as Valentine’s Day, the Manther is forced into an instinctual animalistic response of fight or flight. Most Manthers have more enthusiasm for “National Clean Out Your Fridge Day” (Nov. 15th – mark your calendars!) than they do for the holiday that forces happily single people to stare down their loneliness in a fun-house mirror. But as we all know, the majestic Manther species is as complex and multi-faceted as a snifter of 15 year old Laphroaig – certain “clusters” have been observed to embrace this holiday wholeheartedly, viewing it as a golden opportunity to secure their conquests.

We’ve prepared a handy Valentine’s gift guide for Manthers of both persuasions – those who embrace Valentine’s Day wholeheartedly and spread the love to each and every young Filly in their stable, and those who run swiftly from the holiday as if they were being pursued by a rabid Gila monster.

For the Lovers:

The beauty of online shopping is that the Manther can ship an entire boatload of gift-wrapped red and pink cliches, to a variety of “ship to” addresses, all in the click of a mouse. May we suggest the following?

1. Very few gifts whisper “I know you” like a Vermont Teddy Bear. There’s nothing a woman likes more than a hairy, ursine, version of herself wearing an outfit that screams “your look is so unoriginal that we can achieve manufacturing efficiencies by selling a bear in your likeness.”

The extremely fashionable, “Coco Bear”

This gift is aptly suited to the Manther’s target demographic, as they have most likely just weaned themselves off of their Teddy Ruxpins. More importantly, there are hundreds of bears to choose from, making for a very efficient purchasing experience when large quantities are required.

“It’s so much BIGGER than I thought!!!! I could just kiss it and kiss it!”

2. Sometimes you have to break out the Ed Hardy, the skull pendant, the leather jacket, and crank it up David Lee Roth style. With Rock ‘n Roll Manthers, their leathery exteriors often mask the tender-hearted romantics that live within. Valentine’s Day presents the perfect opportunity for them to open their hearts, brush off their Foreigner 8-track, and take their pretty young things for a spin in a sexy white limo. The highly-chlorinated heart-shaped hot tub keeps the temperature HOT all night long, and holds up to 12 adults (1 speedo-clad man and 11 topless women). Let us set the tone for you……..

For the Haters:

The greatest weapon in the Manther’s arsenal is a gift that screams “low commitment”. In fact, the savvy Manther can use Valentine’s day to his advantage to solve a number of “issues”, such as stalking. What we often forget is that the Manther’s extreme desirability has a dark side…….a casual dalliance will often lead to a unfortunate game of cat and mouse between Manther and his prey. Except in this situation, the tables are turned and the Manther is forced to take evasive action against an obsessed and addicted victim of his charms. In this situation, he can go to several different degrees to “neutralize” his problem, depending on whether it’s a yellow, orange, or red alert situation. The Homeland Security rating system comes in very handy for the Manther, when he is trying to strategize for Valentine’s Day:

When the alert level is “Elevated” and the oncoming holiday threatens to deliver, at worst, an increase in text messaging and voicemail frequency, either one of these gifts will serve to diffuse the situation within a few hours time:

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

The Boyfriend Pillow

When the alert level is “High”, the situation usually entails misperceptions of the Manther’s level of committment, in addition to the behaviors exhibited in “Elevated” situations. In this case, it is best for the Manther to immediately curtail her fantasies with the following humorous, yet mildy insulting gift. For a split second, it will take her breath away in anticipation, and then……..

The 2-Carat Cup

“Severe” alert levels usually entail but are not limited to: angry and spontaneous appearances at the Manther’s residence, vandalism of the motor vehicle and/or houseboat, being followed by the white Cheaters van, and all of the previously mentioned harassment techniques. In this situation, the Manther is truly forced to take the low road and be flat out insulting:

F-CUP Cookies

Well, there you have it, my friends – another rare glimpse into the enigmatic mind of the cunning Manther. We hope you can now face Valentine’s Day fearlessly, with the security of knowing that you are prepared for any circumstances that might come your way. Just one more nugget of advice before we go: if you see a white van, run…..and hide in a tree.

]]> http://www.wildmanther.com/2009/02/13/manther-basics-valentines-daymanther-style/feed/ 1 http://www.wildmanther.com/2009/02/02/manther-style-black-gold/ http://www.wildmanther.com/2009/02/02/manther-style-black-gold/#comments Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:11:06 +0000 Wild Manther http://www.wildmanther.com/?p=135 “Very few will possess its limited number”  As fiercely independent as the Wild Manther, one can never truly possess the Datsun 10th Anniversary Edition 280ZX “Black Gold”.  As with the Manther, one can only ride at its whim, feeling the fleeting, heady rush of power and sophistication before, inexorably, it moves on.  The “Black Gold” and the Manther are kindred spirits bonded by the pulsating machismo that pumps through their veins, and fuel lines.  If you see them coming, run for the hills young woman, for your cries for mercy will not be heard over the screeching of its Goodyear Wingfoot tires.