Even the most virile Manther occasionally needs to enlist the help of a secret weapon in order to keep up with the spry little Energizer bunnies with whom he keeps company. The Manther’s standing in the game of love is like Jose Canseco’s at the pinnacle of his baseball career.  And like Jose, it takes a little somethin’ somethin’ to keep swinging the bat harder than everybody else.

In fact, the use of herbal enhancement techniques dates back to 400 A.D., when an unknown Chinese farmer discovered a powerful and mysterious herb called “Yin Yang Huo”.  Not to be confused with the ebonics term “Ying Yang Ho” used to refer to women of Asian ethnicity.  Story has it that he noticed his goats doing some serious boning after chewing on the plant. 

He turned to one of his Mongolian slave boys and joked “I like have what Goat is having yes!”  Shortly after, he realized, maybe he could have some of what those goats were having.  He ran into his Yurt and quickly brewed a tea from the herb and passed it around to all the goat farmers.  Soon after, the relationship between this bunch of frenzied Chinese hornballs, stranded in the mountains far from any women, and their goats, changed forever.  And henceforth, the herb more commonly known as the “Horny Goat Weed”, was revered as one of the most valued tonics of Chinese herbalism.

“Under the influence of the licentious goat plant, Emperor Xiang unscrupulously frolicks with an androgynous chamber-maid.”

Well, Manther, there’s no need to journey to the misty jungles of central Asia in search of enhancement. Look no further than at your own distant feline relative, the Roaring Tiger. According to its extremely credible developer, pharmacist Dana Nelson, Roaring Tiger delivers “noticeable results” on first use.  By noticeable, he means your manhood will shred your underwear to ribbons as it flies into an uncontrollable  incredible hulk-style frenzy.  If this enthusiastic testimony from Roaring Tiger’s Dr. Ghaly doesn’t convince you that this is a panacea for all of your sexual inadequacies, we don’t know what will:

As you can see, anything but insane Roaring Tiger-fueled sexual orgies hold little interest for Dr. Ghaly anymore.  No time to pop a pill? Try one of their efficacious “Pre-Performance Wipes”. (Just hold your breath and pray that your date is too inebriated to notice you discretely wiping your manhood).

Backed into a corner by the fabricated Hallmark holiday known as Valentine’s Day, the Manther is forced into an instinctual animalistic response of fight or flight. Most Manthers have more enthusiasm for “National Clean Out Your Fridge Day” (Nov. 15th – mark your calendars!) than they do for the holiday that forces happily single people to stare down their loneliness in a fun-house mirror. But as we all know, the majestic Manther species is as complex and multi-faceted as a snifter of 15 year old Laphroaig – certain “clusters” have been observed to embrace this holiday wholeheartedly, viewing it as a golden opportunity to secure their conquests.

We’ve prepared a handy Valentine’s gift guide for Manthers of both persuasions – those who embrace Valentine’s Day wholeheartedly and spread the love to each and every young Filly in their stable, and those who run swiftly from the holiday as if they were being pursued by a rabid Gila monster.

For the Lovers:

The beauty of online shopping is that the Manther can ship an entire boatload of gift-wrapped red and pink cliches, to a variety of “ship to” addresses, all in the click of a mouse. May we suggest the following?

1. Very few gifts whisper “I know you” like a Vermont Teddy Bear. There’s nothing a woman likes more than a hairy, ursine, version of herself wearing an outfit that screams “your look is so unoriginal that we can achieve manufacturing efficiencies by selling a bear in your likeness.”

The extremely fashionable, “Coco Bear”

This gift is aptly suited to the Manther’s target demographic, as they have most likely just weaned themselves off of their Teddy Ruxpins. More importantly, there are hundreds of bears to choose from, making for a very efficient purchasing experience when large quantities are required.

“It’s so much BIGGER than I thought!!!! I could just kiss it and kiss it!”

2. Sometimes you have to break out the Ed Hardy, the skull pendant, the leather jacket, and crank it up David Lee Roth style. With Rock ‘n Roll Manthers, their leathery exteriors often mask the tender-hearted romantics that live within. Valentine’s Day presents the perfect opportunity for them to open their hearts, brush off their Foreigner 8-track, and take their pretty young things for a spin in a sexy white limo. The highly-chlorinated heart-shaped hot tub keeps the temperature HOT all night long, and holds up to 12 adults (1 speedo-clad man and 11 topless women). Let us set the tone for you……..

For the Haters:

The greatest weapon in the Manther’s arsenal is a gift that screams “low commitment”. In fact, the savvy Manther can use Valentine’s day to his advantage to solve a number of “issues”, such as stalking. What we often forget is that the Manther’s extreme desirability has a dark side…….a casual dalliance will often lead to a unfortunate game of cat and mouse between Manther and his prey. Except in this situation, the tables are turned and the Manther is forced to take evasive action against an obsessed and addicted victim of his charms. In this situation, he can go to several different degrees to “neutralize” his problem, depending on whether it’s a yellow, orange, or red alert situation. The Homeland Security rating system comes in very handy for the Manther, when he is trying to strategize for Valentine’s Day:

When the alert level is “Elevated” and the oncoming holiday threatens to deliver, at worst, an increase in text messaging and voicemail frequency, either one of these gifts will serve to diffuse the situation within a few hours time:

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

The Boyfriend Pillow

When the alert level is “High”, the situation usually entails misperceptions of the Manther’s level of committment, in addition to the behaviors exhibited in “Elevated” situations. In this case, it is best for the Manther to immediately curtail her fantasies with the following humorous, yet mildy insulting gift. For a split second, it will take her breath away in anticipation, and then……..

The 2-Carat Cup

“Severe” alert levels usually entail but are not limited to: angry and spontaneous appearances at the Manther’s residence, vandalism of the motor vehicle and/or houseboat, being followed by the white Cheaters van, and all of the previously mentioned harassment techniques. In this situation, the Manther is truly forced to take the low road and be flat out insulting:

F-CUP Cookies

Well, there you have it, my friends – another rare glimpse into the enigmatic mind of the cunning Manther. We hope you can now face Valentine’s Day fearlessly, with the security of knowing that you are prepared for any circumstances that might come your way. Just one more nugget of advice before we go: if you see a white van, run…..and hide in a tree.

]]> http://www.wildmanther.com/2009/02/13/manther-basics-valentines-daymanther-style/feed/ 1 http://www.wildmanther.com/2009/02/02/manther-style-black-gold/ http://www.wildmanther.com/2009/02/02/manther-style-black-gold/#comments Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:11:06 +0000 Wild Manther http://www.wildmanther.com/?p=135 “Very few will possess its limited number”  As fiercely independent as the Wild Manther, one can never truly possess the Datsun 10th Anniversary Edition 280ZX “Black Gold”.  As with the Manther, one can only ride at its whim, feeling the fleeting, heady rush of power and sophistication before, inexorably, it moves on.  The “Black Gold” and the Manther are kindred spirits bonded by the pulsating machismo that pumps through their veins, and fuel lines.  If you see them coming, run for the hills young woman, for your cries for mercy will not be heard over the screeching of its Goodyear Wingfoot tires.

Through the cigar smoke-muddled glow of candlelight, a flash of golden light from a secluded booth.  The young woman feels drawn to its brilliance.  Pulled inexorably closer to its source.  Transfixed, the vague flash reveals itself slowly as she approaches instinctively like a fish to a bright lure.  Between lapels thrust jauntily asunder, nestled upon a thicket of masculine curls, a golden symbol of power dangles on a supple golden chain.  “Care to join me for a drink?” the Manther asks.  “Yes” she replies automatically, sliding into the booth without even registering the question.  The medallion has done its work.

Dangling in the deep V created by a shirt custom-tailored without the three top buttons is one of the Manther’s most potent lures of his female prey – The Man Medallion.  As it flashes and sparkles proudly on the Manther’s leathery chest, young women ae drawn instinctively to it like perky little pirates.  The medallion, especially the gold medallion, is best worn resting upon a hirsute chest.  The thick, dark bed of chest hair provides optimum contrast and accentuates the brightness of the gold.  The choice of chain is really up to the Manther’s discretion and the particular message he wants to send.  A fine, supple chain signifies refined sophistication, while a thick, ropey chain connotes strength and masculinity.

Behold the power of the medallioned Manther in action.

When stalking his prey, a Manther’s medallion works to his advantage on several levels.  On the surface it is a tantalizing display of wealth to vernal young women struggling under the burden of college loans.  It also serves to draw their curious gaze to another of the Manther’s instruments of attraction, his carefully manicured pelt of chest hair.  Third, and even more subtle, is the soft hypnotic effect of a bright, swaying trinket on a young vixen who may have slightly overindulged on Pomegranite Martinis, stealthily disarming her and leaving her open to the power of suggestion.

This Manther, resplendently adorned with an array of medallions, has no need a dark backdrop of chest hair due to his beautifully swarthy hue.

There is a vast variety of medallions that can be seen adorning the exposed bosom of the Manther.  But perhaps the most terrifyingly powerful is the Exotic Token of Adventures Past Medallion.  The beauty of this medallion is that it comes with a story, commonly a tale of a manly exploit from the Manther’s rich past.  Upon seeing its unique, exotic design a female typically will ask the Manther what it means.  Thus providing the perfect opening to regale her with the tale of how he once retraced the steps of Marco Polo along the Great Silk Road.  Or of his time fighting for independence alongside the Tamil Tigers guerillas in the jungles of Sri Lanka.  It could be a parting gift from a thankful village of peasant farmers for constructing a dam to divert life-giving water to their hard-scrabble fields.  It could be a shard of obsidian, discovered after staggering half-frozen back to base camp, the lone survivor of a doomed summit expedition on Mount Aconcagua.  But perhaps the most beautiful medallion of this variety ever witnessed is the gold-dipped great white shark tooth, pictured below.  Is it a memento from a clash with a man-eating shark while pearl diving in the French Antilles?  Or perhaps a token found sunk into his surfboard after a near escape while big wave riding off the coast of Chile?  That, is only for the Manther to know…

It is a little known fact that one of the most prominent symbols of Halloween, the jack ‘o lantern, is named after a Notable Irish Manther named “Stingy Jack”. As the lore is told, Stingy Jack was a greedy, gambling, hard-drinking old farmer. After a night of heavy drinking, Jack tricked the Devil into climbing up a tree and then trapped him by carving a crucifix into the tree trunk. In revenge, the devil placed a curse on Jack, condemning him to forever wander the earth at night with the only light he had: a candle inside of a hollowed turnip (Jack’s second favorite food, after rutabagas).

                                                                 
                                      Stingy Jack post Devil-curse. Tragically, one more Manther lost to the Devil.

When it became painfully obvious that carving a turnip required the dexterity of a brain surgeon, the Pumpkin took its place (and rightfully so). Hence, our modern day Jack ‘o Lanterns.

Moving on to the matter at hand…..what should you be for Halloween? If you haven’t already answered that question let us offer some helpful suggestions:

1. Exotic Oriental Manther: 1/2 dragon, 1/2 panther, 100% man…the secret recipe for the sensual
and elusive Exotic Oriental Manther.  With a snifter of brandy in one
hand, and deadly nunchucks in the other, the Exotic Orient Manther
makes all the ladies kowtow. 

When relaxing in his Dojo he can often be seen wearing karate pants, embroidered silk robes,
and the occasional headband.  His collection of weapons is an
intimidating yet stark contrast to the sensual touch of his satin
sheets – they are the Yin to his Yang.

          
If accessorizing is your thing, the Exotic Oriental Manther costume provides a plethora of items to choose from – nunchucks, headbands, swords, and jade trinkets, to name a few. For a full review of this species’ characteristics and wardrobe, please refer to our previous post: Exotic Oriental Manther

2. Wealthy European Manther: It’s sunset off the shores of St. Tropez and you’re enjoying a bubbly Kir Royale on the deck of your Yacht, the Adios Pantalones. What are you wearing? Well, there is only one viable option…..a Gauze Caftan.

This costume is not for the faint of heart (or for those living in
colder climates) as it brazenly embraces the Wealthy European Manther
style without a hint of inhibition. Feel the need to go deeper? Six vodka tonics later, you might want to  pull the caftan over your head to reveal the ultimate symbol of European Manther style……a mankini.

Lucky for us, a Notable Manther advertising executive, whose identity we will not reveal at this time (the subject of a future post), has chosen to model this costume for us. For those of you still feel the need to accessorize this costume, despite the remarkable impact of its simplicity, consider carrying a photo of a yacht, wearing a gold Rolex, and/or wearing huaraches.

Keep this in mind if you choose to dress yourself as one of the many Manther varieties this Halloween: with great power comes great responsibility. Prepare yourself to sip the sweet, powerful Manther nectar for the first time. To others you may be wearing a disguise, but to that naughty Girl Scout sitting by herself at the bar you are a beacon of enigmatic virility.

Stone razor shaving technology may date back to Neolithic times, but it was not until around 300 BC that man (Manther?), in a moment of divine inspiration, decided to find out what would happen if he shaved off all his facial hair except for that on his upper lip. In that divine moment, the mustache was born.  As the legend is told, that man went on to accumulate 83 of the finest, youngest wives in the land. 

Alternatively known as the tash, stache and lip shrubbery, the mustache has since remained one of the most powerfully seductive male hair features.  So potent are its powers of attraction that it can even make men fall in love with themselves and turn gay, as evidenced by the late Freddie Mercury.

-The mustache is born.  Sporting what is literally the first moustache ever known to exist, a man rides proudly into the future.

As such, the mustache has been an instrumental shaft in the Manther’s quiver of seduction.  It is the apotheosis of the virile masculinity of the Manther, and is sported proudly by millions of them.  Today’s Manther learned many things during the age of sexual liberation of the 60′s and 70′s.  One of these things was the power of the mustache.  They carry that knowledge, and in many cases that same stache, with them still.

So what lies behind the phenomenal magnetism of the Moustaki (mustache in the original Greek)?  Perhaps it’s because the mustache area is the first to sprout facial hair, signaling that boy has become man.  In serious mustache growing competitions, such as The World Beard & Mustache Championships, the winner is usually viewed as the most manly of the competitors.  To lose one’s mustache can be akin to losing one’s manhood, which was the gripping subject explored in the French film ‘La Moustache’.

-La Moustache:  A man faces a life without his moustache.

Perhaps it’s the long tradition of military men sporting mustaches.  Men in the lower ranks traditionally kept smaller and less elaborate staches, and, as they rose in the ranks, they allowed them to become thicker and bushier. Their mustaches were a physical manifestation of their level of power, influence and accomplishment – all vital traits of the Manther.  Perhaps it’s purely the aesthetics of the stache, as the mustache can add not only an air of sophistication, but an undeniable aura of daft swashbuckling and rakish danger to even the most baby-faced of men.

-
The World Beard & Moustache Championships:  The highest stage of competitive moustache growing.

A mustache as grand and ostentatious as those in the video above do not sprout overnight.  They are the fruit of years of painstaking grooming with tiny combs and scissors, and training with devices such as the Snood, or mustache net, worn at night to protect the shape of the mustache.  This is yet another facet of the allure of the stache, as an indication of a man’s scrupulous grooming habits and concern for his appearance.

Whatever the reasons for it, the mustache possesses undeniable power.  Costume designer Jacki Cottom says “[Mustaches] are a very potent piece of design and strongly suggest certain types of characters.  They often lend authority or evoke ‘times gone by’.  How you keep it also says a lot about you.  A well-kept mustache suggests a man with money, someone who has the help of a valet to keep him looking his best.“

If a Manther pairs a well-tended stache with another carefully selected symbol of wealth and power, such as a red convertible 1979 Ferrari 308 GTS for example, he can seduce with impunity.  Which, come to think of it, is just what a certain fictional mustachioed Manther you may have seen before did.

-Thomas Magnum, sporting the magnum of moustaches: big, powerful, and with some serious kick.

Another notable mustache flaunting Manther was the famous actor Errol Flynn, a man celebrated throughout the world equally for his acting ability as his drinking, womanizing and brawling.  Sadly, Flynn died young, which meant he had to seek even younger prey than the average Manther.  In 1942, he was even accused by two underage chorus girls of statutory rape.  I’m no lawyer, but I believe that the moment a woman becomes a chorus girl, she is no longer considered a minor under law.  Flynn was such a stunning Manther specimen that it is widely believed the term “in like Flynn” is based on his countless romantic conquests.

-Errol Flynn plying the delectible Brigitte Bardot with a poolside cocktail.  But for Flynn, a thin, almost delicate moustache was all that was needed to seal the deal.

Although technically not a Manther due to his unfortunately long and stable marriage, Mark Spitz embodied the sheer masculine power and f you attitude of the mustache when he sported a thick walrus stache while winning 7 Olympic gold medals for swimming while his competitors swam fully shaved like weakling women.

-Spitz swims to victory.  Suck it you hairless pansies.

-Spitz.  A champion Manther lost to marriage.

In summary, the mustache, ever since its invention, has been a beacon of masculinity and a symbol of virility brandished by Manthers through the ages.  A natural blessing given to men as they pass from boyhood to manhood.  A beautiful, prickly miracle as variform as the colors of the rainbow, that envelopes the Manther in a shroud of fierce animal magnetism, irresistible to his prey.  With a great mustache, young Manther, comes great responsibility.

According to our extensive research, “The direction of growth of hair can make for interesting patterns, akin to depictions of mathematical vector fields.” To put this into layman’s terms, chest hair is a complicated and is connected to the universe in ways we cannot begin to comprehend. Consider the four stages of chest hair growth, if you will:

Fully mature Manthers generally tend to fall into stages 3 and 4 of chest hair growth. This is not a choice, my friends, it is an inevitable and predestined manifestation of their heightened masculinity.  Consider the following examples of the power of stage 3 or stage 4 chest hair.

Two word for you: BUCK ROGERS. Chest hair so powerful, so masculine, that has the ability to negate the overwhelmingly questionable look of high-waisted, butt-tight, metallic pants. It is only after reaching Stage 4 that chest hair achieves this kryptonite-like effect.

Chest hair is the ultimate accessory. In fact, if the Manther has achieved perfection and harmony in all components of his manscape, Stage 3 or 4 chest hair included, even pants become optional, as demonstrated by Notable Manther, the Hoff.

As you have seen, chest hair is most powerful when left to grow unhindered.  However the somewhat perplexing practice of shaving or even waxing the chest hair has been observed in some Manthers.  While the removal of chest hair can deny the Manther of an important and attractive symbol of virility, a hairless chest is also seen as a symbol of youth.  And a youthful appearance can serve as effective camouflage to the Manther as he stalks his notably younger prey.  Therein lies the troubling quandry.  The Manther must weigh the relative benefits of youth versus masculinity to determine the most effective cocktail of seduction he will employ.  At this point we refer you back to the photo of The Hof above.  True Manthers, the choice should be obvious.

SHABBLAMMMM!!! The sound of the Centurion Card, clubbing the Manther’s prey over her pretty little head with one swift death blow. Figuratively speaking, that is (unless you are a Renegade Manther). This ultimate Manther accessory is silent but violent, holding the world record for “Speed and Effectiveness” in removing female clothing.  It’s the crushing bite to the larynx of the delicate Gazelle.  A Manther could look like Larry King or Hulk Hogan and the Centurion Card will basically guarantee that he will never leave the bar alone. When the mustache, the diamond cuff links, the lambo, or the exotic Asian robe aren’t pulling their weight, the Centurion Card is there for you, Manther, like catnip for your little kittens.

(Illustration of Roman Centurion, circa 100 b.c.)

The term “Centurion” dates back to the Marian Reforms of 107 b.c. and comes from the Latin word “Centurio”. It describes a distinguished Roman military officer, who was put in charge of a century, or a group of 100 men. A man had to meet several important qualifications in order to become a Centurion – very similar to the qualities of a seasoned Manther.

First, he had to have several letters of recommendation from important people, good “connections”, if you will. These could be important senators, or even the emperor himself.  In the Manther’s case, connections like these manifest themselves by working a little name dropping anecdote into pre-dinner conversation to whet a young filly’s appetite.  He also had to be at least 30 years of age, which, with an average lifespan of less than 50 years, meant that he had to have reached a Manther-like level of maturity and saltiness. Lastly, he had to be literate – able to read written commands from superior officers. In the Manther’s case, dropping some well-timed nuggets of literacy and cultivation comes in most handy to dazzle their naive prey at swanky restaurants, like Mastro’s, and when ordering exotic hors d’hoevres like “Foie Gras With Carmelized Mangosteen.” 

Simply put, by whipping out the American Express Centurion card, the Manther unleashes the power of 100 men.  SHABBLAMMMM!!!