by ntooley | February 12th, 2010
If you happen to find yourself spending Valentine’s Day with a Manther,
1. Consider yourself among an elite group of high-performance geisha warriors.
2. Train as if you were Seabiscuit on the eve of the Kentucky Derby.
3. Never show up empty handed. Instead, plan to arrive with an offering that is worthy of an Aztec God.
This handy Gift Guide will be your compass.
Offering #1: MUSK Oil
Don’t you dare even consider cologne, rookie. Cologne is to Musk Oil, like Bartles & James is to an oak-barrel-aged cabernet. It’s going to the prom in a rented Tuxedo versus revving the accelerator of an Aston-Martin wearing rare Ostrich driving slippers.
MUSK delivers an olfactory T.K.O. that resonates, literally, through the protons of female DNA. Pure musk oil has been used throughout the centuries as a tool of seduction. Anthony used to keep his musk oil in a gilded urn, guarded by Ottoman slaves. It only took one drop to seduce the powerful Queen Cleopatra.
Glide a drop of MUSK oil across your Manther’s hirsuit clavicles and prepare to get your Spanx blown off in a Hiroshima-level sexual mushroom cloud.
Offering #2: A Diplomat-brand Bodysuit
Why hassle with a shirt AND pants when your Manther can slip into a bodysuit by Diplomat? Not only is this bodysuit the epitome of Disco-Manther chic, it is endorsed by the famous tag-maker, Hurculon II. According to the manufacturer, when your Manther sees a Hurculon II tag on the gift you are giving him, he knows it’s the best bodysuit that money can buy. It takes a real man to make head-to-toe poly-lycra look elegant and mysterious. In other words, it takes a Manther.
Offering #3: A Jantzen Swim Set
Who is “Jantzen” you might ask? None other than the Norwegian mastermind behind the graphically printed matching swim-set, of course. On Valentine’s Day, a real Manther would never find himself rollicking in the company of a tanned, young sun Goddess without a perfectly coordinated wardrobe. The ambiguously ethnic, yet psychadelic graphic print on this swim-set feels as much at home on the rugged shores of Costa Rica as it does by the pool at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills.
Offering #4: Le “French Brief” by Eminence
Le “French Brief” speaks volumes for such a small piece of fabric. Or, as the advertisement says, “a few bare inches of smooth, supple, shape-showing maleness in soft Egyptian cotton. In colors that dare. In stores that care.”
Well stated, Eminence. You certainly have a firm grasp on the psychographic profile of your customer. While this gift may not be for every Manther, it will certainly appeal to those who have more of a European sensibility. Or perhaps a Manther who is planning an upcoming vacation in St. Barts – a little somethin’ somethin’ to wear under his breezy gauze caftan?
Offering #5: The “Inuit Special”
Lastly, for the Manther who has everything and lives in an arctic clime, let us suggest an unexpected, festive pairing: a Mahogany and Rosewood chess board and ice-block fireplace, both by Hermes. What do these two gifts have in common? They were both hand-carved by the supple fingers of docile Inuit craftswomen. Checkmate.
