by Wild Manther | February 13th, 2009
Backed into a corner by the fabricated Hallmark holiday known as Valentine’s Day, the Manther is forced into an instinctual animalistic response of fight or flight. Most Manthers have more enthusiasm for “National Clean Out Your Fridge Day” (Nov. 15th – mark your calendars!) than they do for the holiday that forces happily single people to stare down their loneliness in a fun-house mirror. But as we all know, the majestic Manther species is as complex and multi-faceted as a snifter of 15 year old Laphroaig – certain “clusters” have been observed to embrace this holiday wholeheartedly, viewing it as a golden opportunity to secure their conquests.
We’ve prepared a handy Valentine’s gift guide for Manthers of both persuasions – those who embrace Valentine’s Day wholeheartedly and spread the love to each and every young Filly in their stable, and those who run swiftly from the holiday as if they were being pursued by a rabid Gila monster.
For the Lovers:
The beauty of online shopping is that the Manther can ship an entire boatload of gift-wrapped red and pink cliches, to a variety of “ship to” addresses, all in the click of a mouse. May we suggest the following?
1. Very few gifts whisper “I know you” like a Vermont Teddy Bear. There’s nothing a woman likes more than a hairy, ursine, version of herself wearing an outfit that screams “your look is so unoriginal that we can achieve manufacturing efficiencies by selling a bear in your likeness.”
The extremely fashionable, “Coco Bear”
This gift is aptly suited to the Manther’s target demographic, as they have most likely just weaned themselves off of their Teddy Ruxpins. More importantly, there are hundreds of bears to choose from, making for a very efficient purchasing experience when large quantities are required.
“It’s so much BIGGER than I thought!!!! I could just kiss it and kiss it!”
2. Sometimes you have to break out the Ed Hardy, the skull pendant, the leather jacket, and crank it up David Lee Roth style. With Rock ‘n Roll Manthers, their leathery exteriors often mask the tender-hearted romantics that live within. Valentine’s Day presents the perfect opportunity for them to open their hearts, brush off their Foreigner 8-track, and take their pretty young things for a spin in a sexy white limo. The highly-chlorinated heart-shaped hot tub keeps the temperature HOT all night long, and holds up to 12 adults (1 speedo-clad man and 11 topless women). Let us set the tone for you……..
For the Haters:
The greatest weapon in the Manther’s arsenal is a gift that screams “low commitment”. In fact, the savvy Manther can use Valentine’s day to his advantage to solve a number of “issues”, such as stalking. What we often forget is that the Manther’s extreme desirability has a dark side…….a casual dalliance will often lead to a unfortunate game of cat and mouse between Manther and his prey. Except in this situation, the tables are turned and the Manther is forced to take evasive action against an obsessed and addicted victim of his charms. In this situation, he can go to several different degrees to “neutralize” his problem, depending on whether it’s a yellow, orange, or red alert situation. The Homeland Security rating system comes in very handy for the Manther, when he is trying to strategize for Valentine’s Day:
When the alert level is “Elevated” and the oncoming holiday threatens to deliver, at worst, an increase in text messaging and voicemail frequency, either one of these gifts will serve to diffuse the situation within a few hours time:
When the alert level is “High”, the situation usually entails misperceptions of the Manther’s level of committment, in addition to the behaviors exhibited in “Elevated” situations. In this case, it is best for the Manther to immediately curtail her fantasies with the following humorous, yet mildy insulting gift. For a split second, it will take her breath away in anticipation, and then……..
“Severe” alert levels usually entail but are not limited to: angry and spontaneous appearances at the Manther’s residence, vandalism of the motor vehicle and/or houseboat, being followed by the white Cheaters van, and all of the previously mentioned harassment techniques. In this situation, the Manther is truly forced to take the low road and be flat out insulting:
Well, there you have it, my friends – another rare glimpse into the enigmatic mind of the cunning Manther. We hope you can now face Valentine’s Day fearlessly, with the security of knowing that you are prepared for any circumstances that might come your way. Just one more nugget of advice before we go: if you see a white van, run…..and hide in a tree.
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