by Wild Manther | September 12th, 2008
Chest hair is to the Manther, what feathers are to the peacock – a glistening display of virility and genetic adornment that serves as a permanent mating signal to the helpless and impressionable young hen. Although a crucial component of the Manther’s extensive manscape, chest hair is often misunderstood. Let’s get back to basics so we can begin to comprehend the role that chest hair plays in the Manther’s ingenious game of seduction.
According to our extensive research, “The direction of growth of hair can make for interesting patterns, akin to depictions of mathematical vector fields.” To put this into layman’s terms, chest hair is a complicated and is connected to the universe in ways we cannot begin to comprehend. Consider the four stages of chest hair growth, if you will:
Fully mature Manthers generally tend to fall into stages 3 and 4 of chest hair growth. This is not a choice, my friends, it is an inevitable and predestined manifestation of their heightened masculinity. Consider the following examples of the power of stage 3 or stage 4 chest hair.
Two word for you: BUCK ROGERS. Chest hair so powerful, so masculine, that has the ability to negate the overwhelmingly questionable look of high-waisted, butt-tight, metallic pants. It is only after reaching Stage 4 that chest hair achieves this kryptonite-like effect.
Chest hair is the ultimate accessory. In fact, if the Manther has achieved perfection and harmony in all components of his manscape, Stage 3 or 4 chest hair included, even pants become optional, as demonstrated by Notable Manther, the Hoff.
As you have seen, chest hair is most powerful when left to grow unhindered. However the somewhat perplexing practice of shaving or even waxing the chest hair has been observed in some Manthers. While the removal of chest hair can deny the Manther of an important and attractive symbol of virility, a hairless chest is also seen as a symbol of youth. And a youthful appearance can serve as effective camouflage to the Manther as he stalks his notably younger prey. Therein lies the troubling quandry. The Manther must weigh the relative benefits of youth versus masculinity to determine the most effective cocktail of seduction he will employ. At this point we refer you back to the photo of The Hof above. True Manthers, the choice should be obvious.